How can I make my poem stronger?

Parissa,





Last night you talked of Tehran


the thick roads that opened


to dust bitten bazaars


where as a girl you haggled


for pomegranates in


a world I wanted to digest





This morning


I went to my backyard


stared at the pomegranate tree


got my ladder


climbed and snipped fruit





Fruit that was


cracked


split and rotten


the late fall not


waiting for me to


remember how


to harvest





I thought one wasn’t bad


I started to knead it


like you showed me


but it popped


dyed my hands red

How can I make my poem stronger?
This is a very visual poem, and I like the images of the pomegranate dying your hands at the end.





I'm wondering if you want to add something in the first stanza about her...what do you picture her wearing, what is her hair like, something to make the girl more real to the reader?





Also, I'm not sure if the ending really brings the poem together, as a whole. I'm left questioning who "she" is, why is she important...maybe tell us when/how she showed you how to knead the fruit?





These are just minor suggestions, your poem is very well done. Thank you for sharing it!
Reply:indeed. Report It

Reply:I agree with Phoenix, it stands on it's own merits as a fine poem. Have you ever looked at the OBOD website? I think you would enjoy it.
Reply:Pretty good as is, strong images and the ending very powerful.


Perhaps:


but it popped dyed


my hands red
Reply:i humbly submit that it is fine as it is.
Reply:Ben,





This is a strong poem, you've done an admirable job!





Here are some suggestions (brackets are where I have removed or added something]:





Parissa,





Last night you talked of Tehran


the thick roads that opened


to dust bitten bazaars


where [] girls [] haggled


for pomegranates in


a world I wanted to digest[.]





This morning


I went to my backyard


stared at the pomegranate tree[,]


got my ladder[ and basket,]


climbed and snipped[].





[Split] [f]ruit, [rotting


in a late season


where I have all


but forgotten] how


to harvest[.]





I thought one [had survived]--


I started to knead it


like you showed me


but it popped[;]


dy[ing] my hands red.





This poem is so strong and tight. Email me and I will suggest some places where you could submit it for publication.





Do well.
Reply:peon should be appealing, not stronger. It should touch the heart of the reader.





Poem is love expressed, not a creation of reasonings.





Write your heart out and enjoy.



beauty